Here’s the list of questions I’ve asked various health care “professionals” during the course of the pregnancy.
Infrequently Asked Questions
- Question: Should the mother switch to light beer now that she is pregnant?
Answer: What?
- Question: Can the mother practice yoga?
Answer: Yes.
- Question: Can she perform the pose where she has to balance on her uterus?
Answer: No.
- Question: What about jumping jacks?
Answer: Probably not the best idea.
- Question: The baby books say that it is not acceptable to tickle torture the baby. What about tickling the mother?
Answer: Once per week.
- Question: If the mother can only eat one vegetable during the entire course of the pregnancy, what is the best vegetable to eat?
Answer: Eat a variety of vegetables, not one.
- Question: If the mother can only eat one meal during the entire course of the pregnancy, what is the best meal? (I suggested pork chops, mashed potatoes, sauerkraut, and gravy.)
Answer: Definitely not pork chops, but no single, great meal exists.
- Question: Will poking the mother’s stomach harm the baby?
Answer: No. But it may harm the father.
- Question: None of the childbirth classes or baby books has told us what the stork does during pregnancy, so when do we find out about the stork?
Answer: It’s a secret.
- Question: Will all of the hospital bills be waived next year since the baby should be born after we have the new health care plan?
Answer: No, you still have to pay bills even if there is universal health care.
- Question: How can we prepare the baby in womb for the APGAR test so that it will be trained as a doctor or lawyer instead of garbage man under the new Socialist regime?
Answer: No response.
- Can I pay for the visit with homemade knit sweaters and scarves? (Note: I do not know how to knit?)
Answer: No.
- Question: I know that you’ve seen a lot of mothers, tracked the development of their babies and how they’ve matured and grown up, and that all parents will say their baby is the best, smartest, cutest baby, but that is a bunch of bs. You’re experience places you in a position to make an objective determination on how awesome this baby will be, so, on a scale of one to ten, how awesome will our baby be?
Answer: 9.9 (Doctor verified that 1 was “least awesome” and 10 was “most awesome”)
- Question: Do you have a time machine so we an jump ahead to birth and then be closer to finding out that I’ll be a terrible father, allowing us to identify and work on that sooner rather than later?
Answer: You need therapy.
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